Death & Healing: Old Wisdom for Modern Life

During the year 2020, three close people to me have passed away. First, an old friend and a colleague in his 30s. Next, a close relative, in his 80s. And finally, a close friend of mine, in her late 30s, instantly died in an accident.

All of these happened in my home country, Finland, while I had recently moved to Shanghai. Due to the Covid and travel restrictions, I wasn’t able to participate in funerals, nor meet face to face with other close friends or relatives. As all these events happened in a fairly short period of time, this made me study philosophy and perspectives to death.

Modern societies clean death out of sight

In modern western societies, there is this quest for immortality. Longevity, transhumanism, health optimization. I’ve personally been fascinated by this trend and in 2013 even co-founded a biohacking society.

However, the flip-side of these trends is the underlying fear of death. Death is almost a taboo. Nobody wants to die. Even people who like to go to heaven, don’t want to die to get there. The more secular the societies have turned, the less there is uniting common beliefs, perspectives, or rituals to guide people through the event of the death of a close one.

We all need to figure it out ourselves. There are many explanations of what life and death mean. And whether there is life after death. You need to pick an explanation that serves you the best. An explanation that helps you to live happily on this planet, helps you to face the death of your close friends and relatives.

As much as the zeitgeist of modern society is to hide death and tout the supernatural abilities of humans, the fact is, death is a natural part of life. And that’s how it should be. While we should take good care of our health, we should not disillusion ourselves from the unavoidable. Instead, we should seek to accept death, find meaningful ways of healing with the community, and then move on with our lives. Personally, I’ve learned that whenever death comes to your close one, it’s the right time, and you should just find the perspective of being grateful for having him/her in your life.

Healing with the community was more natural just a few decades ago

Today in Finland, when somebody dies, there is a quick funeral process. A short event with the closest relatives — usually very few people. Plenty of tears. Few beautiful speeches. Besides greetings, most people say nothing. That’s it. Life goes on. Society is fast-paced. The rituals are quickly completed and people separate their own ways. It wasn’t like this still some decades ago.

80 years ago, a time before the second world war, funerals looked very different. In a book Kuoleman Salaisuus (in English: “The Secret of Death”), Kai Heikkilä and Pertti Jokivuori shed light on the perceptions of death in Finnish agricultural society. Antti Hakkarainen summarized their finding in his thesis:

"In the old days, in an agricultural-dominated society, the Finnish culture of death was rich and multidimensional compared to today's modern society. The reason for this was e.g. ancient beliefs and mythologies, and on the other hand also the influences of Christianity. Death was considered part of the cycle of nature, but this did not mean that it was treated without a fear. According to them, until World War II, Finland continued the tradition that event of death was thought to belong to the entire village community. The mourning of the deceased was not limited to the immediate family members, but according to tradition, every villager had to visit to greet the deceased for the last time. This was made possible by placing the deceased in an open coffin, which was kept in the separate room of the house for a few days after his death. There were strict rules about what was allowed to be done in front of the body, and what was not. For example, sleeping and working were forbidden, but instead you were allowed to drink coffee or liquor, and sing hymns.” (Heikkilä & Jokivuori 1994, 149-151.) & Thesis by Antti Hakkarainen [1]

As we can see, the relatives of the deceased, were not left to mourn alone but received the support of their entire community for the work of mourning. This certainly made it easier to deal with and cope with a difficult matter.

When the ritual described above was completed, there was the second phase of the ritual: actual funerals in a church, and burying the body in the grave.

Today, we have only this part left. And not even this, as cremation is increasingly more common than burial in the cemetery. All in all, the ritual has shrunk quite a bit.

Healing in the times of Covid-19 and travel restrictions

The emotional healing of the death of a closed one is really important. In modern times, and when people live abroad, and especially during Covid-19 with the travel bans, we need to find new ways of creating a space to share our memories and feelings with other close people of the deceased one. We don’t have a possibility to organize our own physical room for the body and visit there to sing songs and enjoy a cup of wine like 80 years ago.

Instead, we can create a modern version of this room, virtually: WhatsApp group chat. It might sound like way too light-weight medium to handle something as important as death. Let me explain how I have witnessed it working beautifully already two times:

When my close friend suddenly passed away in an accident, it was a shock to me and all of her friends. She was in her late 30s, had an active friend circle, and some of them (me included) were living abroad or in different cities. We created a WhatsApp group of around 30 closest friends of her. We also invited her closest family members, parents, and siblings, to the group.

What happened next was really beautiful.

First, the “initiator” of the group shared some latest happy photos of the friend who had passed away. Everyone else in the group reciprocated almost instantly. People shared moments of joy together with her, during different travels, dinner parties, and gatherings. People shared photos that they wouldn’t normally post on social media.

Personally, through these photos, I felt like peeking into the soul of my friend. I thought I knew her well, but in the photos, I saw people and events that we hadn’t talked about. I could see my friend having the best time of her life with her other friends, many beautiful experiences she had had. In short, the photos sent a clear underlying message to everyone: the person had lived an amazing life with great people around her. It was great to witness, and it also made me feel so grateful to have her as my friend for many years.

After the photos were shared, people started to write. Somebody in the group wrote a long memorial text about our mutual friend: about her good qualities, personality, great common memories. And people started to reciprocate again. Many pages of beautiful memorial speeches were produced. These memories again enforced the feeling that she had had a good life, and people felt grateful for sharing life with her.

Having her close relatives in the group, made it possible for them to see all the beautiful photos and memories as well. Later I learned, it was actually a positive surprise for the close relatives to witness how profoundly and positively their loved one had impacted other people’s lives. Her close relatives were living in another city and had not met these people beforehand. Amidst the grief, they later said, the beautiful messages in the group enormously supported overcoming the loss.

I’ve seen this memorial chat group happening on two occasions already, and it has worked beautifully. It for sure doesn’t replace real funerals, meeting people face-to-face, or calling people one-on-one. That said, in the global world we live in, it can be a great addition. Especially with people, who for a reason or another, leave on this planet unexpectedly when still young.

Wisdom from 80 years ago for the modern lifestyle

The history of dealing with death has gone through different stages. Before the second world word, the entire village community took part in greeting the family who had to face the tragic loss. The family had a chance to personally receive the condolences face-to-face from everyone.

Then, the urbanization started, and death turned into a private matter of the closest relatives. Death became an isolated event. As friends and colleagues were sometimes not invited to the funerals, there was a discontinuity in the relationship between them and the family who had faced the loss. Some people even started to avoid the family who had faced the loss. They didn’t find words to say. There was no ritual.

Today, my generation has learned the old wisdom from history and updated it into a modern lifestyle. Besides the closest relatives, friends and colleagues feel the same need to be able to share their own memories and listen to the memories of other people. The shared experience is important healing to all of us.

Some of us are living in a distant city, some of us are living abroad. The physical room to meet the family and drink a cup of wine next to the coffin might not be realistic. Instead, the room to share memories, photos, and wish blessings might as well be a virtual one.

Thanks for reading.

Resources — Material that deepened my perspective on death: